so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
