I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
