Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
