That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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