Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize