Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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