my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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