She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
