i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This toilet bowl is my home.
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