it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
