Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
