So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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