So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
