he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
