Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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