today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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