The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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