We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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