gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
