This is not my ceiling
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
