Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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