it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
