I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
