After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
