I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
