Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
