Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
