it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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