Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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