i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
