Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
