Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
