The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
