I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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