you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
