remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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