What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
