life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
