So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
