I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
