I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
