What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
