Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
