My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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