Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want to make out with him forever
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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