Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
