Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
