I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
