she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
