So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
