i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
