FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
