OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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